I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
