Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
