Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
