My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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