I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
