I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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