My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
