I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
