On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
