What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
