She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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