you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
