Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
