I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize