I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
