barbara walters just said penis...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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