My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
