Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
