I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
