I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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