Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
