Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
