I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
