so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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