your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
