remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
