Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
