I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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