I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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