I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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