The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize