Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
