His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
