Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
