Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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