My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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