i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
