My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
