you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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