Got a toothbrush?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
