and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he was CRYING into my vagina
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
