I want to walk on stilts...naked
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
