Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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