My first STD was from a foam party
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
