Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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