I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
