I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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