He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
