Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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