she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
