Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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