I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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