I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
