We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
