We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
