As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
