As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
