I got chris browned last night
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
